Just over two years ago I launched an empowerment team building conference call for expiring women business owners. The call was and still is designed to help motivate, encourage and provide value training and tips for women who have decided to start their own side-line business or want to create more opportunities in their current professional arena.
On my last weekly coaching call many of my clients brought up the issue of having a lack of self-confidence in moving forward in working their part-time businesses. They felt unsure of how to share what they do with others, nervous about talking to people about what they do because it was outside of their traditional businesses or careers. More so, they just felt that people would reject what they did and tell them they were silly for doing something different. Well, this sounded like Fear Based Thinking to me, which is a prime reason why people never move forward in making their dreams and desires come true. So, I set about preparing for our next session and looking for information to help defuse these thoughts.
One of the leading experts in the field shared these tips. Here are a some of those tips:
Wendy Piersall (Excell) wrote:
For those of you who are serious about overcoming obstacles and serious about taking your business to the next level.
You will never go for your dreams — business or personal — as long as you have more pain associated to achieving them than you do to not achieving them. So the bad news is that it’s time to associate some pain to not achieving your dreams. The good news is that your dreams are on the other side of this pain.
Think back on all of the missed opportunities, untapped potential, and half finished projects you may have experienced over the last few years in your business. What has stopped you? Fear? Procrastination? Overwhelm?
How much have you lost out on, because these emotions came up and hijacked your plans?
What has your lack of focus and procrastination cost you in terms of dollars, drained energy, and failed projects?
How is your fear holding back the growth of your business? How is it affecting your family and your health?
Choose an avoidance value you know in your heart is holding you back the most. These are values that we would do just about anything to avoid: Rejection. Fear. Anger. Frustration. Humiliation. Self Doubt. Unworthiness. Lack of Control. Guilt. I’ll call these avoidance values.
I’m about to walk you through a series of seven questions, most of which won’t make you feel great. You can’t say I didn’t warn you!
Your assignment for today is to walk yourself through these seven questions. I will also dive into my old journal and reveal my own process of getting rid of self-doubt — quoting my own words exactly as written. I assure you it isn’t pretty.
If you start going through these questions, it’s rather important that you finish going through all of them. So commit now to doing all 7 before you begin, because I don’t want to leave you in an emotional funk without resolution! (By the way don’t go through this process with “self-doubt” if it’s not on your list – go through these questions with your own “emotional worst enemy.”)
1 What does “X” mean to me specifically?
For example, what did self-doubt mean to me specifically? Here are some of my answers:
• A feeling of not trusting myself. More specifically, I have opposing wants and needs and values and I do not trust myself to make the right decision.
• I am unsure I can produce the results I want to produce.
• A feeling of sadness as I wonder if not I am capable of making my dreams come true. And if I can’t, am I really enough to be loved as someone so insignificant?
2 What has to happen in order for me to feel “X”?
These are your “rules” – if ‘blank’ happens then I feel self-doubt. Such as:
• The results I want don’t happen: these could be internal or external. I could want to feel productive, but be unable to do so. Or I could want to make a sale, but the sale falls through.
• I have to lack an understanding of how a result will be achieved.
• I might be able to see the result that I want, but I will be unable to feel that could really happen, or I question the validity or practicality of what I want.
• Someone I care about questions my judgment or a decision I made.
You will notice that some of these rules are based on yourself – things that only you can control. And some will be based on others – things you can’t control. Just notice your rules, and notice who is in control of your emotions with the rules you currently have in place.
3 What benefit am I getting out of “X”?
You will find that we always do things because we get some value out of them. this is where you need to be dirt level honest with yourself, because it is important you understand why you make these choices. My benefits for self-doubt were:
• I always have a compelling future, but rarely live it. I get to hold onto the illusion of my future perfect life rather than living in the moment where myself and my family needs me the most.
• I get to keep my peer group, where I am important and significant, rather than risk being insignificant amongst a group of superstars.
• I get to continue to blame myself and my circumstances, and get wrapped up in my “story” rather than risk uncertainty and just take action.
At this point, you will probably be crawling in your skin, as I certainly was. This stuff is hard to admit, but is critical to getting past it.
4 By indulging in “X”, what is it costing me?
Currently, all you see is the pain of action. Yet it is important that you get associated to the pain of inaction. So what was self-doubt costing me?
• I am teaching my children to doubt themselves, not trust themselves, to live in fear and sabotage their own self-esteem by my example.
• I am losing the great identity I worked so hard to create. I will never inspire others or lead them anywhere except mediocrity as long as I stay in self doubt.
• I am leading an incongruent life as a trainer and leader. I question my own integrity, if I tell others to believe in themselves yet I am unwilling to believe in my own self.